Onions and Christmas tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how manykinds of boobs are there?The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds ofbreasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.After 50, they are ike onions"."Onions?" asked the son. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, howmany kinds of 'willies' are there?"The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mightyand hard.In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree"."A Christmas tree?" asked the daughter. "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Carnation Milk - what a great story from ex farmboy

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $2,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....

· She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!

· She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house...a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this
damn hole."

The chicken and the horse.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get
the farmer, save me, save me!"

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse,
ties it to the car and pulls him out.

The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life..."

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me! Help me! Go get
the farmer!"

So the horse says, "No, No, No! I think I can get you out." The horse
stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my dick."

The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and saves the chicken's
life.

So what's the moral of the story?

If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.

For those who are already driving BMW's, pls don't be offended...

How a marriage works (hehe..)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he

Could Think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pops...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out

5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there are swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, D*ckhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*cking going anywhere! Got it, A*shole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?