One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this
damn hole."

The chicken and the horse.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get
the farmer, save me, save me!"

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse,
ties it to the car and pulls him out.

The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life..."

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me! Help me! Go get
the farmer!"

So the horse says, "No, No, No! I think I can get you out." The horse
stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my dick."

The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and saves the chicken's
life.

So what's the moral of the story?

If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.

For those who are already driving BMW's, pls don't be offended...

How a marriage works (hehe..)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he

Could Think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pops...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out

5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there are swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, D*ckhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*cking going anywhere! Got it, A*shole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Little Neville

I like this kid!!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Neville .

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Neville says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream . The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Neville replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE Neville ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Neville returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Neville .

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE Neville ON ENGLISH

Little Neville goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example o f a multi-syllable word?"

Neville says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Neville , that's a mouthful."

Little Neville says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE Neville ON GRAMMAR

Little Neville was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Neville , that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Neville , thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE Neville ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Neville .

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE Neville ON GETTING OLDER

Little Neville was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Neville replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Neville answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

Smiley's

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho MARX

---

We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some " BUTT ICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail. This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

BBQ rules

It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Yahoo!7

Yahoo!7

PAK IN! PAK IN! PAK IN!

Jannie kom terug van sy Finale ambulansman eksamen, in ekstase, en skree vir sy vrou: "PAK IN! PAK IN! PAK IN! ons kan uit eindelik bekostig om uit die klein plekkie uit te trek ! " Sy vroutjie vra opgewonde: "Was die eksamen maklik? Sal jy deur wees?" Jannie se: "Ja man baie maklik, net een vraag!" Hulle vra : "Jy kom op 'n ongeluks toneel en jy moet jou hand plaas op 'n plek om te voel of die persoon nog lewe. die woord begin met 'n P en eindig met 'n S." Sy vroutjie val hom opgewonde in die rede: "POLS, ja dit is maklik." Jannie skree: "AG NEE F#K! PAK UIT! PAK UIT! PAK UIT!"

Me Mudder!

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was red,

Me Mudder!


Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not,

Me Mudder!



And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!



Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,

Me Mudder!



Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s*** , Â

Me Mudder!



When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,

Me Fadder!



I hope this keeps ya giggling all day.

Glimlagkos

Hoekom sit die blondine groen lipstiffie aan?
Sy weet rooi beteken stop.

Hoekom het blondines deurskynende kosblikke?
Sodat hulle kan weet of hulle werk toe of huis toe moet gaan.

Waarom het die blondine Omo gedrink?
Op die houer staan: MET NUWE VERBETERDE VETVERWYDERAAR.

Wat het vier blondines in gemeen?
Niks waaraan hulle kan dink nie.

Hoe hou jy n blondine ure lank besig?
Gee vir haar 'n papier met die woorde blaai om asseblief op
albei kante geskryf.

Hoe weet jy watter een is die blondine by die begrafnis?
Die een wat sing: "lank sal hy lewe....."

Baas: "Koos het jy al ooit 'n gehoor toegespreek?"
Koos: "ja"
Baas: "Wat het jy gesê?"
Koos: "Onskuldig"

Koos het elke venster in sy huis vervang.
Toe ontdek hy sy bril se een glas is gekraak.

"Hoekom eet jy nie jou groente nie, Koos?"
"My oom is dood daaraan."
"Regtig? Wat het gebeur?"
"'n Vragmotor vol pampoene het hom omgery."

Pa: "Sies Jannie, jy gedra jou nes 'n otjie!"
Jannie kyk verbaas na sy pa.
"Weet jy wat n otjie is?" vra sy pa.
"Ja pa," antwoord Jannie. "Dis die seuntjie van 'n vark."

Hoe blaf 'n Franse poedel?
"Le woef"
En die hond van Goodwood in die Kaap
"Woef, Woef ek sê"

Wat kry jy as jy 'n vampier met 'n vlooi kruis?
Bekommerde honde.

Jannie:"Pa, hoekom is Adam eerste gemaak?"
Pa:"Om hom 'n kans te gee om ook iets te sê."