Sweet Revenge

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University .It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father- in- law for providing such a lavish reception.As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F &$K you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F &$K you!"Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.His revenge-- making the bride's parents pay over $ 32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!!!

Winter Poem

" WINTER "

Deur A.G. Visser

"Fok dis koud!"

~*~

THE END

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Sex

2. Bring food

3 . Shut up!!!!!!!

A young man moved into a new apartment

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Juffrou gee wiskunde

Juffrou gee wiskunde en is heel in haar noppies met hoe maklik die

kinders die werk verstaan.

Dis net ou Gertjie daar agter in die hoek wat so bietjie frons.

Juffrou: Gertjie, verstaan jy die werk wat ons vandag behandel het?

Gertjie: Sjoe Juffrou, net so kol - kol.

Juffrou: Watter kol verstaan jy nie Gertjie ?

Gertjie: FO- KOL

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautied frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to

herself:

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put
your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."

African Finance

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"

"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"

The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow."

So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.

A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:
"You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750!

But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."


"Yoh! And the people didn't they complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"


Sipho is now in parliament..

Daddy, how was I born?

Signs of our time !!!!

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You have male !!!!

All Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
 
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
 
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:  "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual."
 
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
 
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
 
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
 
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
 
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
 
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
But why, they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
You've seen Ahmal."
 
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...
This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did! 

 

 

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he told her that he
would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without!"

"Request bread."

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

MEN JUST NEVER LEARN - DON'T MESS WITH A HURT WOMAN - CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in
to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned...