Onions and Christmas tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how manykinds of boobs are there?The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds ofbreasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.After 50, they are ike onions"."Onions?" asked the son. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, howmany kinds of 'willies' are there?"The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mightyand hard.In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree"."A Christmas tree?" asked the daughter. "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Carnation Milk - what a great story from ex farmboy

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $2,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....

· She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!

· She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house...a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this
damn hole."

The chicken and the horse.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get
the farmer, save me, save me!"

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse,
ties it to the car and pulls him out.

The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life..."

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me! Help me! Go get
the farmer!"

So the horse says, "No, No, No! I think I can get you out." The horse
stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my dick."

The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and saves the chicken's
life.

So what's the moral of the story?

If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.

For those who are already driving BMW's, pls don't be offended...

How a marriage works (hehe..)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he

Could Think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pops...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out

5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there are swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, D*ckhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*cking going anywhere! Got it, A*shole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Little Neville

I like this kid!!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Neville .

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Neville says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream . The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Neville replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE Neville ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Neville returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Neville .

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE Neville ON ENGLISH

Little Neville goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example o f a multi-syllable word?"

Neville says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Neville , that's a mouthful."

Little Neville says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE Neville ON GRAMMAR

Little Neville was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Neville , that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Neville , thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE Neville ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Neville .

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE Neville ON GETTING OLDER

Little Neville was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Neville replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Neville answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

Smiley's

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho MARX

---

We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some " BUTT ICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail. This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

BBQ rules

It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Yahoo!7

Yahoo!7

PAK IN! PAK IN! PAK IN!

Jannie kom terug van sy Finale ambulansman eksamen, in ekstase, en skree vir sy vrou: "PAK IN! PAK IN! PAK IN! ons kan uit eindelik bekostig om uit die klein plekkie uit te trek ! " Sy vroutjie vra opgewonde: "Was die eksamen maklik? Sal jy deur wees?" Jannie se: "Ja man baie maklik, net een vraag!" Hulle vra : "Jy kom op 'n ongeluks toneel en jy moet jou hand plaas op 'n plek om te voel of die persoon nog lewe. die woord begin met 'n P en eindig met 'n S." Sy vroutjie val hom opgewonde in die rede: "POLS, ja dit is maklik." Jannie skree: "AG NEE F#K! PAK UIT! PAK UIT! PAK UIT!"

Me Mudder!

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was red,

Me Mudder!


Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not,

Me Mudder!



And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!



Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,

Me Mudder!



Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s*** , Â

Me Mudder!



When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,

Me Fadder!



I hope this keeps ya giggling all day.

Glimlagkos

Hoekom sit die blondine groen lipstiffie aan?
Sy weet rooi beteken stop.

Hoekom het blondines deurskynende kosblikke?
Sodat hulle kan weet of hulle werk toe of huis toe moet gaan.

Waarom het die blondine Omo gedrink?
Op die houer staan: MET NUWE VERBETERDE VETVERWYDERAAR.

Wat het vier blondines in gemeen?
Niks waaraan hulle kan dink nie.

Hoe hou jy n blondine ure lank besig?
Gee vir haar 'n papier met die woorde blaai om asseblief op
albei kante geskryf.

Hoe weet jy watter een is die blondine by die begrafnis?
Die een wat sing: "lank sal hy lewe....."

Baas: "Koos het jy al ooit 'n gehoor toegespreek?"
Koos: "ja"
Baas: "Wat het jy gesê?"
Koos: "Onskuldig"

Koos het elke venster in sy huis vervang.
Toe ontdek hy sy bril se een glas is gekraak.

"Hoekom eet jy nie jou groente nie, Koos?"
"My oom is dood daaraan."
"Regtig? Wat het gebeur?"
"'n Vragmotor vol pampoene het hom omgery."

Pa: "Sies Jannie, jy gedra jou nes 'n otjie!"
Jannie kyk verbaas na sy pa.
"Weet jy wat n otjie is?" vra sy pa.
"Ja pa," antwoord Jannie. "Dis die seuntjie van 'n vark."

Hoe blaf 'n Franse poedel?
"Le woef"
En die hond van Goodwood in die Kaap
"Woef, Woef ek sê"

Wat kry jy as jy 'n vampier met 'n vlooi kruis?
Bekommerde honde.

Jannie:"Pa, hoekom is Adam eerste gemaak?"
Pa:"Om hom 'n kans te gee om ook iets te sê."

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked
to see
her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and
ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered,put
on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on
the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her
laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing! " he said, "What's for dinner?"

Sweet Revenge

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University .It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father- in- law for providing such a lavish reception.As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F &$K you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F &$K you!"Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.His revenge-- making the bride's parents pay over $ 32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!!!

Winter Poem

" WINTER "

Deur A.G. Visser

"Fok dis koud!"

~*~

THE END

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Sex

2. Bring food

3 . Shut up!!!!!!!

A young man moved into a new apartment

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Juffrou gee wiskunde

Juffrou gee wiskunde en is heel in haar noppies met hoe maklik die

kinders die werk verstaan.

Dis net ou Gertjie daar agter in die hoek wat so bietjie frons.

Juffrou: Gertjie, verstaan jy die werk wat ons vandag behandel het?

Gertjie: Sjoe Juffrou, net so kol - kol.

Juffrou: Watter kol verstaan jy nie Gertjie ?

Gertjie: FO- KOL

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautied frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to

herself: